The audiologist that I visit on occasion at the local VA medical facility, once told me that people in general really don’t have a clue about how they should speak to a partially deaf person. People are just genetically geared to assuming that everyone else can hear as well as they do with the possible exception of people like myself who can’t hear that well in the first place. That may sound a bit strange to most of you but it’s a completely valid point and over the years and I have found what my audiologist said is very true indeed.
I’m partially deaf you see (as I stated in my previous post). Severely so. There are others who may insist on people using the terms impaired or challenged as descriptives plus the occasional issue with this, that or the other thing but I myself have traveled through life without hurting anyone psychologically or perhaps terminally affecting their sense of self or afflicting great amounts of undue emotional stress or just generally ticking one of my fellow human beings off and all that without being one bit politically correct about it. Just call me deaf and I’ll be happy. The rest of you can be impaired if you so choose.
That being said, I have decided that a little insight in how to successfully converse with a deaf person is badly needed here so I, using myself as a subject, will endeavor to provide a few guidelines.
First, we have to define what I mean by ‘deaf’. By deaf I mean partially deaf as I said above. If one is completely deaf then you better know sign language or at least have sense enough to face the person so he or she can attempt to read your lips but don’t expect much. Don’t expect them to speak clearly either or even attempt to do so. If you can’t hear what you’re saying then your words are going to be very slurred indeed and that’s only if you were able to hear at one time which allows you to at least remember what it was like to properly form words. This is an entirely different matter and not what this post is about. This post is about those who walk about the earth who have the need to wear hearing aids in order to regain some normal amount of hearing or at least being able to hold a somewhat normal conversation with someone else for example; when your boss tells you that he believes your hearing aid batteries need to be changed (what?).
So here are a few basic rules to follow when someone informs you that they are a bit deaf, hard of hearing or hearing impaired and as I said, I’ll use myself as an example:
- Look at me when you want to speak to me. Even with my expensive, high end hearing aids, I still rely heavily on facial expressions and watching your mouth form words.
- Don’t yell at me. When I say I’m a bit hard of hearing it does not mean you have to scream at me. What it does mean is that you should raise your voice a bit more but more importantly, slow down some and articulate your words. In other words, speak clearly and as if you were lecturing a small group of people gathered in a room say the size of the dining area at a small Taco Bell.
- When attempting the above, please don’t talk to me as if I were a child. This is not what I mean by speaking more slowly and clearly. Telling your husband to slow down some when you’re taking a drive through the countryside does not mean he should slow to 18 mph or so. It just means stop doing 60 and try for 45…I’d like to see some scenery here. I’d also like to understand what you’re trying to get across to me without falling asleep or wanting to punch you in the nose.
- Don’t mumble. For God’s sake, don’t mumble.
- Don’t look at your shoes, the wall, the lake, the sun, that girl’s…well never mind, look at me.
- Understand that you can stand beside me and speak to me as long as you’re facing me. I don’t have to be directly facing you, just as long as I can see your face in my peripheral vision I can do alright.
- Do not speak to me while walking past me (ie: tossing remark over your shoulder) and expect me to understand or to even acknowledge you. Stop, face me, speak then continue on your way.
- On the same token, do not turn and walk away from me while until you finish with what you’re saying. If you do I’m likely to forget you ever started in the first place.
- Most important. Make sure I acknowledge what you have said before heading off. I have spent the greater portion of life having to ignore the surrounding noise of people talking in my general vicinity simply to keep myself from going crazy with frustration. I used to be able to hear these conversations if I chose to. Now all I hear is noise.
- I am not stupid or slow. My ears are.
- Try not to take advantage of my hearing loss by thinking you can talk about me while I’m present in the room with you and whoever else you’re talking to. I can hear certain peoples voices if the voice is pitched just right. Besides, it’s just plain rude.
- Please understand…I absolutely hate saying “what?”.
- And if you’re the type of person who hates to repeat themselves tough! You can hear…I can’t.
I suppose there are other items to add but since I’ve been this way so long now I’ve learned to compensate for ‘this’ and block out ‘that’ so well that it would be too hard to remember what I’ve blocked out if you get my meaning. And the above listed items are a combination of my own personal experience, the experience of others (those with bad hearing and those with normal hearing as well) and conversations with my various audiologists throughout the years. Also out of pure frustration as you might well imagine.
Anyway, I sincerely hope that this bit of posting might help some of you remember how to handle yourself if you find yourself having to speak with a person who has a hearing problem. They will appreciate your effort to no end believe me.
Technorati tags: deaf, deafness, hearing impaired, hearing aids
Some great tips there thanks.
My Mum recently went deaf in one ear. She has got Menieres Disease which is some kind of fluid problem in the ear and she gets a horrible buzzing at times. Can make her quite sick with vertigo aswell.
Fortunately she may not have it for life and I think usually it goes after a few years but I don’t think she will get her hearing back again in that ear. Lets hope the other does not become affected too as I AM SICK OF SHOUTING AT HER.
LOL sorry
Excellent post! Glad to know you’re not politically correct because I abhor the insane world of “politically correctness”! As a nurse I see way too frequently staff members and family not communicating well with these patients. You should be teaching in-services at hospitals this valuable lesson. My problem is I have a very soft voice and I have to WORK at projecting it. Probably all these years as an allergy sufferer does not help my vocal cords. I try my best but I know there are times when a patient simply cannot hear me, or only words of my sentence.
Good tips– I’ve always believed that communication is a two-way street.
Becky:
I looked up Menieres Disease in Wikipedia. Nearly the same symptoms as I have although I know mine is service related. Even the eye twitching and moderate attacks of the blasted room beginning to move on it’s own accord. My hopes that she improves with time.
Elaine:
Thanks! And I know it can be tough when you have a soft voice. Sometimes there is just no way to increase the gain so to speak. Perhaps you could try a different pitch rather than projecting. Everyone has a certain vocal pitch that comes out the strongest (head tone–I used to be a sound engineer before my hearing became real bad). If that doesn’t work, making sure they can see your face and mouthing your words carefully (unless of course they have trouble seeing) always helps. I’m sure it’s frustrating for such a caring person as yourself.
Karen:
Welcome to blog! I bounced over to yours and really enjoyed reading your barefoot skiing story. And you still hold the record? Good deal!
Since you and your family are treading the same path I am I have to ask what is an effective way to begin learning ASL (self teaching that is). I need to get off my skinny rear end, stop procrastinating and start learning ASL before I actually lose what little hearing I have left. Self progressive you know. We (my wife and I) have all the material but are not sure where to start since ASL is so involved. Anyway, thanks for stopping by and hope to see you again.
Kirk–
Thanks for the blog visit! Here are two sites I recommend: http://www.lifeprint.com (this has a complete ASL course that you can do yourself) and the ASL Browser: http://commtechlab.msu.edu/sites/aslweb/browser.htm
If you can attend some deaf events near you and find a friendly face–having a deaf mentor would be a great way to learn ASL.
Kirk!
Now I understand what you were talking about. I didn’t realize the complete extent. I really like your attitude about it. I’m sitting here and thinking, “What can I learn, how can I learn from what Kirk does about his hearing?” I’ll be thinking about this for days.
Hi Liz,
Of course the obvious response to this would be “What?” but I don’t dare.
I miss being able to walk in the woods. It may come as a surprise but I won’t go into the woods any longer unless someone is with me. You have to be able to hear in the woods because your sight becomes very limited (can’t see the forest for the trees type of thing) and hearing becomes all important. But most of all I miss being able to listen to music. I was a fairly decent sound engineer at one time and I grew up in a musically inclined family.
I simply can’t let these kind of things get me down. It’s my nature to grumble and complain and I’ll be the first to say it can’t be done right before I get down to finding a way to do just that.
I’ve found that this nature of mine also helps in dealing with these service related type problems as well. can’t take too much credit though. It’s just my nature.
Hmm… a little late getting here but I agree with this one here:
“Try not to take advantage of my hearing loss by thinking you can talk about me while I’m present in the room with you and whoever else you’re talking to. I can hear certain peoples voices if the voice is pitched just right. Besides, it’s just plain rude. ”
Back in 1988, spring semester, at Gallaudet University while as freshman just starting school there for the first time I took a physics course. The professor there was hearing and a tenured one, too. I sat near the front, as I always do, and the professor began his day when he turned his back on us to write something related to physics on a chalkboard. While he wrote, he said these words and I heard it plain as day since I can hear quite well unbeknownst to him (smile). He said, “Oh joy, what fun this is!” while he wrote. Along with a condescending/sarcastic tone of voice I might add. I was dumbfounded. Yet the professor tried to take advantage of us deaf/hh students sitting in class banking on the idea that we wouldn’t be able to hear or even understand what he said with his back turned. I certainly did. And this wasn’t shouting. This was normal talking but muttered under his own breath. I proceeded to sign to other students on what he just said. Granted, the professor was obviously burned out nearing his retirement but his attitude and comments were unwarranted given the fact he tried to take advantage of our hearing loss.
By the way, I am not talking about the current hearing physics professor at Gallaudet. The one I’m talking about retired around 1990 or so.
Hey mcconnell, (Welcome to my end of things here)
Sorry for the delayed reply but someone found out I knew my way around Windows and I ended up hoeing out their messed up PC (Vista basic). Always glad to do it though.
I understood exactly where you’re coming from but rather than the setting you describe it was more of a constant thing at my last workplace before I was taken out of the workforce. Walking past me and throwing comments or asking me questions over their shoulders, attempting to talk to me from across the room, refusing to face me when speaking, etc, etc. Except for one of them maybe, they didn’t do this on purpose…they just didn’t get it. Two of them did get it and purposely would not speak to me until they made sure we were facing each other before they began speaking and I’m sure you know how much I appreciated that.
My biggest obstacle now is that my wife and I need to be able to learn ASL before my hearing gets any worse and the only way that I can really learn that is by going to an actual class and that costs money that I don’t have. I don’t mind saying that it’s a pretty frightening situation to be caught in.
Thanks a million. At last I can try and get my husband to do what you say. First time for 11 years.
Hi Gillian,
Glad you found my rant…er…I mean my post helpful. Hope your husband finally understands.
Thanks. I’m trying to find a good list of pointers that will not make everyone angry at me, yet I make my point. At a meeting of high school administrators and department heads I was humiliated when I reminded them that I have lost hearing in one ear. These are adult professionals(?)!!! On cupped their mouth and over exaggerated every word, on whispered loudly enough as a joke like he was trying to say something that only the rest could hear- that same person later just moved his mouth without talking to get a response- all of these were done to get a laugh from the group of about 20. I was so mad and sad too, that I could not speak. I have decided that this cannot happen again. I am going to the principal and expect her to speak to the group. I work with sped. kids. I know now why some of them are afraid to ask for needed accommodations. What a bunch of insensitive bullies. I would never make fun of those that are old or fat or unattractive or recovering from illness or on crutches or if they had a handicapping condition. I thought about buying ear plugs for each to put in one ear and see what it is like to not only not hear, but never know what direction sound is coming from. Sometimes I cannot hear oncoming vehicles when I am out walking, is that funny too? I got some good ideas from this. It is hard to think I would have to go to such lengths with “peer.”
Aah, how refreshing to read this! I have been partially deaf since I was born and, for the most part, it does not affect my life too greatly. I wear hearing aids in both ears and it does irritate me when people try to treat me differently. I don’t publicly announce it to people unless necessary, but when talking to people I always look at their lips so I make sure I can hear what they are saying, I can lip read better then most because of this, since I have to do it in loud public spaces a lot. One thing that really annoys me though I when people try to whisper something to me in my ear. I am not going to hear you-accept that. I can’t here whispering, you may as well be blowing in my ear for all I can hear. I don’t want people to treat me differently but please, don’t take out the fact that you may have to repeat yourself on me and NEVER say oh, it doesn’t matter if I didn’t hear you the first time or I will whisper everything I say to you and not repeat it when you don’t hear. How d you like it! Some of the things I don’t like about how it affects my life are things like, I can’t just rest my head on a surface as my hearing aids squeal and I can’t spontaneously jump into water and have to make sure their safe. recently I lost one of them and my parents made me feel incredibly guilty about the fact that they had to pay towards it in part along with the insurance. While I should have looked after it better-I put it in my pocket while listening to music-it is one of the few times if only time I have lost one. But worst of all if I had perfectly fine hearing it would not have been a problem.
Thanks for letting me add to your rant, I don’t know anyone else who is partially deaf so there is no one else to talk to about such things
Hi Alexandra – You’re rant is most welcome as is yourself. I should really do another post about being partially deaf especially in the light that my deafness has progressed significantly since this post was written. I find the thing I miss most is music. That and being able to walk in the woods or sit by the sea and not being able to hear what I used to hear. Ah well, Something I just have to deal with, right?
Sorry to hear that. It must be awful not being able to here music, I know I would find that incrediably difficult, especially as I play piano. However, as one of the things I enjoy about being partially deaf is that I can just shut off the world around me by turning off my hearing aids. I always feel a sense of empowerment in that like I can control what and how much I hear and everyone else can’t sort of thing. Especially when I am trying to concentarate in a crowded room.
I can relate to all of your experiences with partial hearing and deafness. In my left ear I lost my hearing when I was 3 and gradually in my right. I lost most of my hearing in my right ear in a 3 month timeframe due to the inoperable type of otosclerosis. When my husband was alive, we associated with 2 different couples regularly. Frequently the women would be sitting around talking in their group and the men in their own group. Since I am a female, I was in the women’s group. If I did not hear something that was said, I’d politely ask the person to repeat what they had said. They would repeat themselves maybe once or twice over the course of the evening then the remainder of the time, they would ignore my request to repeat what they had said. It was as if they included me just enough so they could say they were not ignoring me. Eventually I mentioned this to my husband who thought I was just being overly sensitive. Then one day out of the blue after we had been visiting both couples and had returned home, my husband said he noticed the way these women treated me was exactly as I had described.
In another situation, my mother-in-law, who had never met me, asked my husband if I was stupid cause I couldn’t hear. My husband replied, “No Mom, her ears don’t work, everything else is perfect.” In yet another situation, I was working in a small escrow office and the escrow officer, who was training me, would talk to the women who were sitting at the desks in front of me about me as if I was not even there. Apparently she thought I wouldn’t be able to hear her. At that time my hearing loss was great but now it is profound and borderlining total deafness.
I even worked with a woman who right before I retired said to me, you can’t go to meetings or answer the phone (before they had captel phones) so what good are you any more.
I’m an identical twin and my twin sister didn’t start her hearing loss until she was much older. She never realized what I went through in school to hear until she was going to college for her MBA. Her hearing loss had just begun at that time and was very mild; however, she had to get her husband to go to classes with her to take notes. At that time she expressed her awe in what I had accomplished with my hearing loss. I have had more experience with rude, uneducated people (not meaning they had no education) than you can imagine. People who have never had a hearing loss have no idea what we go through.
These situations used to upset me greatly but over the years I have come to the realization that people are fearful of speaking with someone who has a disability or they are just plain insensitive. If your family or friends do not know sign language, do not be surprised if they refuse to learn it. My own daughter refuses to learn sign language. One day she told me that she felt I was limited in what I could do and my response was, “Not if you learn sign language”. Her response was a quick roll of her eyes. My suggestion to people who have hearing disabilities is to either take ASL classes or find a sign language group where they would be willing to teach you sign language. There are several schools of sign language but the one used the most is American Sign Language (ASL). By finding a group of people who know sign language, you can feel like you belong again. Some states also have an organization called Self-Help for Hard of Hearing who specialize in helping the deaf and hard of hearing. Everyone wants to feel they belong and that people really care about them so if your family and friends don’t care enough to learn sign language then don’t waste your time on them but do find a group where you can belong.
Hi Jan – You hit the nail right on the proverbial head. Thanks for adding a well thought out comment.
Actually, I had typed out a rather long and thoughtful reply to your comment yesterday but just as I was nearly finished I fat fingered the keyboard and lost the entire thing. Seeing as how anything I type these days immediately gets erased from my brain I wasn’t able to recall what it was. Hence this much shorter comment.
On ASL: I have a real problem trying to learn any new language be it the human type right down to a computer programming language. I have a lot of trouble in that area so I have to learn in a structured classroom environment. Unfortunately, there’s nothing available in my neck of the woods that doesn’t involve a 4 hour round trip. I’d also like my wife to learn with me (she’s much better at learning languages than I am and doesn’t mind beating my mind into submission) so that restricts us to evenings only. I keep searching out possibilities though so you never know what might come available.
All I can say to this is…Thank you
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