1st Writings-One Possible Explanation

A dissertation of men and women. Everybody has one and now here’s my effort that I wrote during the first year after my first divorce.

This piece, purely by coincidence, is dedicated to my beloved wife who took the time to type all these old writings of mine into her PC and then surprised me with the copy. Something I could not have done myself. All my love to you my Lady.

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One Possible Explanation

Let’s start this off by taking two mammal types. Now we’re not going to take them anywhere in particular, we’re just going to look at them awhile to see what we can see. Both, although somewhat similar looking, are of different species and to be quite honest about the whole thing, don’t get along particularly well. In fact they down right despise each other and life in their particular neck of the woods would actually be much better if the other one would just decide to pack up and move somewhere far away. Any chance meeting of these two creatures usually ends up with a lot of hissing, spitting, screaming, fur munching and other such violent pastimes that I would rather not get into right now.

Now let’s bring into the picture some type of Supreme Being with a slightly perverted but good natured sense of humor and have this Supreme Being add to these two occasionally violent but innocent creatures, a deep seated attraction for each other, one hell of a sex drive, the ability to procreate and leave all the rest unchanged. Add to this confusion a little evolution, food, water, several good hard shakes, a few millennia and you eventually come up with what passes for the human race or to be more precise, men and women and the never ending soap opera that always seems to follow them around like it actually had nothing better to do.

Now the fun begins. Actually the fun could have begun at any point after His Supremeness finished with His/Her/It’s amusing form of genetic engineering and sauntered off chuckling to Him/Her/It’s-self but I believe that men and women in this age of mass confusion provides much better fodder for contemplation.

The soap opera:

As the Stomach Chums.
All my Children. (whoever they might be)
The Glands of Time.
The Who did What to Whom and How Therapy is going Show.
Any so called “reality” show involving couple comprising of a male and a female

Go Ahead. Make up your own. I can only provide examples.

It’s finally coming down to the realization that the old saying of men not being able to understand women has had this addendum tacked onto it: Women do not understand men.

In fact we seem to spend a great deal of our time working hard at the task of not understanding each other at all even to the point of complete and utter frustration. Instead of rejoicing in one another’s differences we’re much to busy wondering why the hell can’t he leave the toilet seat down and why the hell can’t she leave the damn thing up?

So let’s look at “us” for a moment:

Men - Physically strong, emotionally closed, conquers everything in sight like some medieval warrior with a bad headache, thinks crying is a sign of terminal weakness ending in a strong desire to do needlepoint, has a tendency to punch walls and other stationary objects which usually ends up with a set of busted knuckles and not much else and can be ready for sex at any given moment in any given condition and what the hell is this foreplay thing anyway?

Women - Physically weaker and that’s about where the weaker part ends. Emotionally open, mentally stable to the point where it drives most men out for long walks to the nearest bar, has a tendency to clean up after the warrior has finished conquering, does not mind crying in the least, complains about the holes in the walls and the blood on the carpet, and can be ready for sex at any given moment but only after the man makes breakfast, grills something for lunch, takes her out for a nice dinner (with flowers) tells her how wonderful she is and what do you mean you’re not in the mood?

Now I ask you, who is the weaker sex here?

For those of you who are still in the throes of trying to understand their beloved partner let me offer you this small piece of advice–stop trying. It won’t do you any good and it tends to cause a rash. Men and women are so radically different that it is becoming rapidly apparent that the only thing we actually have in common is the ability to walk upright without falling flat on our respective faces. When you think about it we have the perfect example of our mutual differences right in front of our proverbial noses…

Cats and dogs.

Now stop laughing and use your brains people. What better way to explain all these wonderful opposites every one is so fond of quoting?

To wit:

Females and felines are quite alike when you stop to think about it. Graceful, neat, cunning, finicky, intelligent, aware, moody, demanding, unpredictable and just try telling a cat what to do and see how far you get. A cat will let you have the honor of petting it one minute, scratching you the next and coming back a few seconds later like nothing ever happened. Ever notice that most men don’t like cats all that well?

Men on the other hand tend to lean more towards the canine end of things. Clumsy, sloppy, intelligent in a stupid kind of way, easily distracted, will (lick) itch it’s crotch at any given moment and usually when it’s embarrassing, most are loyal to the point of being ridiculous, drools a lot and tends to drink out of toilet (men have most likely equated this to leaving the seat up). And by the way, you can teach a dog just about anything. Women love dogs and cats which is yet another difference we just damn well have to contend with. Below is more stuff to think about:

If he’s Jesse James with the remote control, she isn’t.
He likes fresh water trout because it tastes fishy and she does not like fresh water trout because it tastes fishy.
She wants to talk. He does not want to talk because he thinks he’s in trouble.
She remembers everything. He remembers breakfast.
She knows damn well what he meant. He can’t remember what he said.
He’s horny. She isn’t.
She’s horny. He’s late for work.

And on it goes.

So maybe it’s time we stopped thinking about differences and start thinking along the lines of compatibility. His weaknesses are filled with her strengths and visa versa. Like two finely machined gears one tooth fills the other’s space and pretty soon we’re rolling right along with little or no friction at all. It’s only when we fail to let the other close enough to mesh properly or start to pull away that the gears begin slipping and all too soon it ends up chipping and wearing the teeth so badly that those two particular gears aren’t capable of doing anything that doesn’t involve a lot of crunching, slipping and grinding. And so it is with us.

There really isn’t and end to this or any moral to the story. We can tolerate it, fight it or rejoice in it. The answer is as individual as the individuals themselves and no amount of advice, suggestions, counseling or anything else for that matter will make a damn bit of difference unless the two people involved want it to work.

So here’s to the never ending soap opera and all the entertainment it provides and may “the powers that be” bless us all with just a little more insight, day by day, into our loved one’s soul. After all, it’s really kind of nice to have someone around who doesn’t wear the same kind of underwear you do isn’t it?

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Just Another Human Bean